For the last week Pavneet has been asking me where I’m headed for college; I reluctantly answer with “I don’t know,” and she has to drag out the truthful response out of me. I respond and act in such a callow manner, not because I want to feel more accomplished by expanding the length of the response, but rather because I feel hollow inside when I say the name of the college I’ll be attending: I feel that I didn’t deserve to be admitted.
I was amazed when I got in. I sat in the
What I thought was going to be the most exciting opportunity of my life, slowly began to look to be the most stressful. Suddenly, people began to notice me, randomly giving me high fives down the hall. And, with my newfound attention, came expectations: People expect me to be perfect and know the answer to everything. In government, where I am known to make inappropriate and immature comments to provide comic relief, someone asked, “How did he get into Harvard?” after I suggested we should bring a strip pole into the class after the AP test.
Don’t get me wrong, I am honored to have elected Prom Prince and to receive random high fives, but I’m sure, unless you knew how awesome I was before my lucky accomplishment, I would have never been selected as Prom Prince or received random high fives and congratulations. Moreover, I am still trying to come into terms with has happened. Yes, it’s exciting to be going where I’m going, but it’s also overwhelming. I don’t consider myself special (besides, my sexy seducing looks), so, first, I don’t even know if I should have gotten in. Second, going away to a new environment—yet again—knowing that I probably won’t see most of my peers ever again, since I might not be able to visit, is far most stressful and agonizing knowing that people expect me to act in a certain way so their perception of the college is maintained.
Furthermore, to address the fact that I refrain from saying the name of the college I’ll be attending, I do so for two reasons. The first one, as I stated previously, is because I doubt my abilities and, thus, don’t think I should have been admitted. Moreover, although I am happy I was admitted, I’m also distraught: Not all of my friends were accepted into the colleges they wanted to and I feel it would be inconsiderate of me to go around saying where I’m going, as I feel I’m “slapping them in the face.” I consider them far more amazing than me and, though I know they will shine wherever they go, I can’t help to be mad and cautious. Already, I lost my lovely wife, Jennifer, since she felt our marriage wasn’t going to work since I was up to “bigger” things.
Just because I am going to Harvard, doesn’t mean I’m anything special. For all I know, in ten years I’ll probably be working for someone currently reading this. Hell, I might even be a stripper in ten or, finally, decide to pursue my underwear model career.
For know I just want to be the same-old Carlos. The one that smile and waves when someone calls his name; the one that wants a strip pole in government class; the one that calls everyone “gurl;” the one that was unnoticed (for the exception of his random antics); the one that talks ridiculously fast; the one that lashes out—as any hardcore feminist would—against misogynist comments; and, apparently, the one that has a class –action suit against his persona for emotional distress and sexual harassment, courtesy of Elise.
Oh, Bunce. I just love you. Carlos, you are absolutely, 100% qualified! You have work just as hard as anyone else going there, and you are one of the smartest people i know! And, you always have a way of making everyone around you laugh (maybe because what you said was actually funny, or because you just make them uncomfortable...). Congratulations, and don't be ashamed to tell the world. It's something to be proud of. I'll miss you!
ReplyDelete--- Dayna (aka semi-hot stuff)
I've noticed especially with the population at our school, that these kids always praise you when you rise and when you fall they throw you to the curb, looking for another person to put on the pedestal. While you should be proud of your accomplishments, I see this as a matter of personality and preference. The over confident, cocky, showoff would be the one running down the hallways bragging to everyone where he is going, insensitive to everyone else's feelings. You on the other hand, decide to keep this to yourself, which not only shows people how you care for others around you, but also it shows your sense of character. Hope to see you at the 10 year reunion! :) If not sooner of course :P
ReplyDelete~Simon L.
I agree with Simon that you don't want to be annoying about it but you should definitely be proud of your accomplishment. People don't just get into that school by accident. You've worked hard for the past four years and it payed off. Don't worry too much about what other think and don't worry about trying to fit in so the "perception of the college is maintained." Just be yourself and you'll fit in fine.
ReplyDeleteZach Y.